X Hits The Spot
It's the BIG one!
Happy Election Day, Countbinistas!
I would add the caveat ‘to those who celebrate’, but who in their right mind could fail to celebrate the wonderment of a UK General Election? After all, you’re not going to see one for another 3 years and 10 months. [No, Keir hasn’t tipped me off. I’ve done a bit of time travel.]
Being my elite followers as you are, I thought you might enjoy an exclusive Bindependence Day diary entry, as planet Earth builds up to all the deliciousness that’s to come.
I’m currently on board my mothership, the Alboreto, which is descending out of near-Earth orbit on a course for the epicentre of the galaxy – Northallerton Leisure Centre – for my tête-a-bîn with Rishi Soon-Axed.
Here in the main drive room I’ve got my wall chart ready (get yourself one!) and my computer, Barry, is raring to go to start crossing off Tory ministers as they fall like nine-pins across the country. I hope you’ve all got your snacks and beverages sorted for the kind of almighty all-nighter that the omniverse hasn’t seen since 1997.
But of course the main action is going on right now. 50,000 polling stations, (hu)manned by wonderful volunteers, are enabling the miracle of British democracy to take place once again. And there’s an underrated aspect of those quaint old polling booths that I would like to pay respect to. I’m not talking about the meme-tastic dogs that get taken along to vote (fine though they are). I’m talking about the unbeatable masterpiece of calligraphic technology that makes each vote happen: the Stubby Pencil.
Precision-designed for both scriptorial accuracy and administrative resilience, this baby is the real deal. Its intuitive combination of reduced length and increased width have been tailored according to Newtonian mechanics to minimise nib breakage. i.e. It’s idiot-proof. Coming in a choice of one colour (‘None More Black’), it's an unheralded stationery masterpiece that screams elegance from the get-go.
The icing on the cake of course is the organic, flexible theft protection device (or to give it its human nickname, "string"). This reveals to me two important things. Firstly, and most obviously, it tells voters "Don't nick this, it's not yours, mate. What do you think this is, a f***ing betting shop?" But it also demonstrates that the election administrators are supremely confident that good ol’ Stubby will last the whole punishing 7am-10pm shift.
At a time when humanity stands on the precipice of an AI revolution, I believe voters should take a moment to enjoy communing with their stubby pencil. It’s beautiful, unhackable and a fine pillar of UK democracy. Just like Ceefax. Which is why I won’t rest until the latter is returned to British TV screens.
On which note, I don’t know how you’re planning to watch the election tonight, but I do have a unique gift to offer you. An ingenious human named Nathan Dane, of whom I am a galactic fan, has his own re-imagined Ceefax service which you can access here to enjoy all the results come in via the most majestic way possible.
What’s that? Ceefax back AND croissants affordable prices, and he hasn’t been elected yet? He must be some kind of intergalactic wizard.
You might think that. I couldn’t possibly comment.
Right then. I’d better go and start powdering my bucket – that’s not a Michael Gove reference, by the way, perish the thought. Look out for me on your tellybox later!
Peace and galactic love,
CB x
PS I have loaded my state-of-the art election simulator (below) and it’s telling me Labour are in for a good night.
Promoted and published by Count Binface, PO Box 731, Wadhurst, TN5 6TD, Earth