Within earshot

A phrase that will never be the same again

Greetings Countbinistas!

It’s been another massive week on little planet Earth. 

In the United States, Donald Trump survived an assassination attempt with damage sustained merely to his ear, which is without question the organ he uses least. I am pleased to see that the rest of Mr Trump emerged unscathed, and I wish him good health for the rest of his days. Ideally those days will be served in jail, but that’s up to the American justice system so let’s not hold our breath on that one.

After the events in Milwaukee, the internet has naturally been awash with conspiracy theories. Was it an inside job? Was it a hoax? Was it divine intervention? This is yet more proof that humans are not ready for the internet, and when I take control, the World Wide Web will be replaced by Ceefax immediately. As ever, in current affairs the maxim holds true that whenever there is a choice between cock-up and conspiracy, cock-up wins (nearly) all the time. 

The US security apparatus certainly proved my point last Saturday night. Secret Service head Kimberley Cheatle has since openly revealed that the reason they didn’t secure the building used by the would-be assassin was that it had a sloping roof, which might have posed a health-and-safety issue for agents. She said this out loud. Perish the thought that the work of protecting a Presidential candidate in a country rife with guns might raise a few flags on a risk assessment. I’m not sure Ms Cheatle is going to be in her job for long. Indeed, metaphorically speaking, she is about to get the bullet. #irony

In her defence, Ms Cheatle might point to the statistic that the only person on record as having climbed onto that roof did in fact die shortly afterwards. But that just goes to show you can’t always trust statistics. Maybe her next job will be making graphs for Liberal Democrat election leaflets.

Meanwhile President Joe Biden has had a tricky week of his own. While the seemingly indestructible Trump takes a bigger poll lead, poor ol’ Joe looks increasingly like yesterday’s man. And at the time of writing, he’s in self-isolation after contracting Covid. Get well, Mr President. And then after that, I would gently suggest, get lost. Let someone else take on the Orange Monstrosity. Ideally me.

It says something for the unusual stability in UK politics that the biggest scandal in Blighty this week has been on Strictly Come Dancing, what with the continuous outpouring of bad behaviour that’s seeping out from behind the glittery curtain.

As you’ll know, one of my key 2024 policies has been to make Claudia Winkleman’s fringe Grade-1 listed, and I will not allow the aggressive antics of over-ambitious Italian dancers to besmirch Britain’s most valuable hair. To this end, I have spoken to the BBC and they have reassured me that they are desperate to protect their greatest televisual asset, so much so that across the next series each one of Ms Winkleman’s follicles will have its own chaperone. 

As for Westminster, I know it’s only been two weeks - so let’s not get ahead of ourselves - but I must say it is refreshing to see that while the news remains full of disasters and incompetence, they haven’t been emanating from Number 10 Downing Street. It’s almost like the previous British government was a complete cackastrophe that desperately needed and deserved its gigantic kicking at the polls.

It’s been another lovely week for Keir Starmer. He’s barely got his feet under the desk but has been enjoying all kinds of international love-ins, first at the NATO conference and now today at a European gathering at Blenheim Palace. Plus he got to offer Parliament his first King’s Speech, which was duly delivered by his majesty Charles III. Now, I’m not from your planet so forgive me for the impertinence, but The State Opening of Parliament - what a complete load of bollocks that is. I know it’s relative, but compared to that, I really am the sane option. I mean, look at it.

The State-Of-That Opening of Parliament, 2024

If you want to abolish the Lords - all of them - there’s only one thing for it. Vote Binface.

As smoothly as things seem to be going for Sir Keir, I must put him on notice. I announced in my ‘victory’ speech at the general election that he had one week to exonerate all victims in the Post Office scandal, force Fujitsu to compensate them with £100k each (minimum), and to take concrete action on the issue of homelessness, but his King’s Speech did neither of those things. So as I promised, I am going to do what the Tories and Reform UK are incapable of and offer proper, principled opposition. Countbinistas, you can count on me.

And just to prove how effective Binface politics, I bring you yet more good news from the world of French pastry pricing. This very day, Pret a Manger has announced that it is bringing back 99p filter coffee and reducing its croissant price to £1.99. Clearly there is still work to go, but after three major supermarket chains hit my £1.10 benchmark, I remain confident that Pret will get there soon enough. It’s a victory for you, for me, and for common sense intergalactic politics. Vive les croissants!

On that rare happy note for the current state of planet Earth, I bid you a wonderful end to your week and an interstellar weekend.

May the BBQ weather be finally with you,

CB x

P.S. You may have noticed that his newsletter has deliberately avoided mentioning Liz Truss, as should the entire planet. Nobody should ever pay her the slightest bit of attention. Ever. She had her go, nearly torched the entire British economy, and in my humble opinion she is a one-woman nonsense factory. Any media outlet that gives her views credence should be banned forever. As a number of humans have pointed out, if she’s really that cross about what’s happening in the world, maybe she should contact her local MP.