The Short Short
Sunak is useless. Unless something even worse is going on...
It’s OFFICIAL. I am standing in the 2024 General Election. Out of all those 650 wondrous constituencies, I am running in the only logical place. Yes, I am going to give Prime Minister Rishi Soon-Axed a taste of intergalactic justice, just like I did with Mrs May and Mr Johnson (look what happened to them).
And as if Planet Earth needed any more satisfaction from seeing me taking on Rishi, he’s gone and made his biggest cock-up of the campaign so far. What’s worse: the fact that he left the D-Day commemorations early? Or the fact he left ‘Lord’ Dave Cameron to mind the shop? Or the fact that he went back to England to do an interview about his tax lies? Or the fact he tried to explain it away by saying it was always the plan? It’s a political Cackatoa and it’s erupted all over the Tories’ best laid plans. You wouldn’t get that with me.
I’ve lost Count of all the self-inflicted problems Rishi has managed to cook up since he called the election. He may have outlasted the Clustertruss in Downing Street but he’s now actually giving her a run for her money in the incompetence stakes. What’s particularly delicious about the D-Day fiasco is the sheer bloody karma of it. For him to stick a year’s National Service for 18-year-olds in his manifesto and then to show he can’t even stick out one sunny afternoon’s service with world leaders (when there will have been a cracking buffet), I haven’t stopped laughing.
And if that’s not enough, just 24 hours earlier Rishi will have been smiling to himself that his campaign was back on track after his petulant bleating in the TV debate, when he went all Boris and kept yelling his £2000 tax lie (which Keir Starmer was weirdly slow at rebutting, like the AI program he might yet turn out to be).
However, dear Countbinistas, don’t breathe a sigh of relief just yet. A lot can still happen between now and polling day. And doing due diligence on the election as your friendly neighbourhood space warrior should, I have calculated that there is one remaining alternative to Rishi just being a complete prat…
We must remember that the Prime Minister’s background is in the City. And he made a lot of money out of hedge bets, banking on the British economy tanking in the financial crisis. It’s arguable that people like Rishi are responsible for causing a lot of pain and hardship to the nation in the late Noughties. So what if this is what he’s doing again? Except this time his target isn’t the UK economy, it’s the Tories themselves? Is the pint-sized PM trying to short the Conservative Party?
It would be horrifically cynical. But I’m here for it. And now I’m on the campaign trail.
Rishi, you might have shirked D-Day, but you won’t be able to avoid B-Day. In just under a month’s time, the Solar System is going to host the contest to end all contests. It’s Binface v Soon-Axed. Coming to a leisure centre near you, Richmond & Northallerton, and people of Earth.
Bring it on!