The Hamburglar: MISUNDERSTOOD HERO
It's high time this reviled visionary's reputation was restored
Earthlings!
Well I think the headline of today’s post says it all.
In a world like yours, where the media can zap an innocent individual’s reputation at a moment’s notice, or form a forcefield to protect the guilty, sometimes I need to step in and redress the balance. And this is an especially egregious case. History must be rewritten, and I’m here to do it.
McDonalds is Planet Earth’s most famous restaurant chain, and this year it’s been celebrating its 50th anniversary. Urbi et Orbi is the Pope’s catchphrase. Ubiquity and Obesity might as well be the McDonalds motto.
As a result, you’re bound to know who the Hamburglar is - and as part of the chain’s 50th birthday celebrations, he’s back. He’s a key member of the cast of McDonalds characters who enticed generations of children into fast food restaurants to beg their parents for a Happy Meal.
Or did he?
There he is, captured on camera in his trademark pose, carrying away a tray of burgers. But the operative word, surely, is ‘away’.
Why have you humans always bought into that clown Ronald’s rhetoric, decrying this man as a ‘burglar’? He’s never been charged with anything. After half a century of shameful, special-sauce smears.
The real question is MOTIVE. Why is he taking away the burgers?
To save billions of children from a lifetime of poor health. That’s why.
I can tell what you’re thinking. ‘But, Binface, he’s dressed up as a burglar, mate.’ Nonsense. Take it from me, as a mask-wearing, cloak-sporting icon of the age, there’s nothing suspicious about this bloke’s appearance whatsoever. I mean, look at him. He’s even put a tie on, for goodness sake.
The Hamburglar has got more dignity in his tooth than Ronald McWrong’un ever possessed.
Still not convinced? You soon will be. Influential humans are slowly starting to cotton on to the fact that they’ve been conned. Just take Emily in Paris, who decided to go to a Masquerade Ball attired like this:
Successive governments have long been in thrall to the sugar industry and the fast food giants, and for decades they’ve dragged their feet before bringing in much-needed legislation to improve standards and protect public health. There’s still much more that can be done.
YET all this time, the much-maligned ‘Hamburglar’ has been doing his bit, crusading on behalf of kids and adults to spare them from Processed Meat Hell.
In the United Kingdom, 2025 will see new rules come in to help protect children from the temptations of fast food advertising. No online commercials for junk food will be allowed, nor TV advertising for such products before the 21:00 watershed. This is good news.
But it’s ironic that across several decades, while burger adverts were allowed on telly, there was the Hamburglar, front and centre, trying to save the kids and bring down McDonalds from within. If only humans had followed his heroic example, maybe the obesity time bomb might be less severe.
I am happy to announce, here and now, that I will be making the rehabilitation of the Hamburglar a key campaign as part of my next manifesto.
And if you’re reading this, Ronald, no amount of freebie apple pies will change my mind. Who do you think I am, Keir Starmer?
CB x
By the way, for more exclusive galactic Binsights, please check out my wondrous new podcast, Trash Talk, filled with amazing guests including Ian Hislop, Stewart Lee, Professor Alice Roberts, Marina Purkiss and many more. I think you’ll like it.
And you can still catch me on my UK Bindependence Day comedy tour. So far I’ve played Cardiff, Bath, Leeds and Glasgow, and I’m coming soon to a town near you! Tickets on sale now here.