The Count Binface Essay
Blair's wrong. Starmer's wrong. They're all hopelessly wrong.
Hello humans!
YES! I’m running in the Makerfield By-Election. And with every passing day, my odds are getting shorter and shorter. Stand by for some political fireworks between now and June 18th.
In the meantime, fuck me, it’s the Season of the Political Essay! Jeez. It makes Brat Summer sound good. Still, when in Rome… So allow me to throw my two space credits into the mix with this riposte.
Turning the Blair Blue
The war of words began with Sir Tony ‘WMD’ Blair, who penned a 5700-word screed about how terrible the UK is doing since, can you believe it, he left office. I say ‘left office’ - he got booted out by Labour MPs who were sick of the fact he’d become more of a right-wing maniac than most Tories. Blair’s prospectus boils down to this: MAKE MONEY AT ANY COST, which is a paradox so large you can see it from space. (Unless you take a Blue Origin rocket, which I hope Blair does.)
The now-infamous essay was published by the ‘Tony Blair Institute’ and promoted online. It led Andy Burnham - front-runner to be the next Labour leader and second-favourite for the Makerfield by-election after me - to post this on Twitter/X:
I also posted in response to Blair:
#Ratioed!
Given that Tony Blair is so fond of pushing through the AI revolution with no thought to the consequences, I thought it only prudent to play him at his own game. So I asked two leading AI models what they thought of Blair’s speech.
This is what ChatGPT had to say:
‘…It is noticeably weaker on evidence than on rhetoric. Assertions about Net Zero, welfare, labour rights and the oil and gas industry are often stated rather than demonstrated, and there is a recurring tendency to present trade-offs as self-evident when they are highly contested. The political context also matters: Blair is not a detached observer. The argument aligns strikingly well with the interests and worldview of the tech and Gulf-funded networks around the Tony Blair Institute, and its publication at the precise moment Labour is drifting towards a Burnham–Streeting succession debate makes it hard to separate the policy case from an attempt to shape the ideological terrain of that contest.’
And here was Claude’s verdict:
‘Its load-bearing move is a sleight of hand. The "Radical Centre," defined as putting "policy first and politics last" so you simply find "the right answer" and then sell it, rebrands one specific ideological programme — deregulation, cheaper energy over net zero, welfare and NHS retrenchment, digital ID, "whatever it takes" on small boats — as the neutral truth only the unserious could reject. That isn't standing above politics; it's politics dressed as arithmetic, which is the most political thing in the piece. And the prescriptions track the paymasters too neatly to ignore: the tech-maximalism and explicit hostility to EU tech regulation, the push for digital ID and privatised, data-driven healthcare (squarely Ellison/Oracle territory), and the warm case for a "strong alliance" with the Gulf read less like disinterested statecraft than a prospectus drafted for the funders. The timing seals it — arriving exactly as Streeting and Burnham circle each other, with a brisk pat on each head ("huge political talent," "outstanding member of my government") before dismissing their whole contest as "retro" and beside the point. That's not a reflection; it's an intervention, an attempt to dictate the terms of a succession he can't control and present his own answer as the only adult one.’
In other words, the bots agree with Binface. Back in your box, Tony. He should be ignored at all times.
Starmerama
If only the rest of the political world could have followed my advice. Instead Sir Keir Starmer decided to write an essay of his own, 3000 words in retaliation to Blair’s attack. This had led many people to wonder how Keir could find the time to do this when HE’S THE ACTUAL PRIME MINISTER RIGHT NOW IN THE MIDDLE OF MULTIPLE WARS AND A COST-OF-LIVING CRISIS.
Starmer's most notable statement was an acknowledgement that Labour needs to go further than the 2024 party manifesto. This is up there with saying that you’d stand more chance of winning a game of chess if you dare to show up to the match.
Ultimately everything he writes is undermined by the sheer existence of his essay. It’s not just that he could find the time to do it, but also the fact he chose Substack of all places to make his case. No offence, Substack. I’m using it right now. But Starmer’s the PM! If a 3000-word think-piece is how he thinks he can and should be heard, he really is toast.
The Other Guys
Andy Burnham and Wes Streeting also wrote long pieces this week to contribute to the debate about Labour’s future. As you can imagine, I couldn’t be arsed to read those.
Makerfield Great Again!
Back to the important news of the upcoming by-election in Makerfield, and I’m delighted to say that the national press is already going big on my campaign. My manifesto will be out next week, and I’ll drop you a hit that price-capping might just be on my agenda. Cowed by supermarket bosses bleating about fairness? Moi? I’m more interested in the fact that if you ahead over to France, you greeted by this:
Whereas you Brits are having to live with this:
IT. WILL. NOT. STAND.
Join me for croissant justice and a whole lot more. And if you want to look stylish this summer AND help combat homelessness, get yourself a brand new bit of Makerfield Great Again merch. The geniuses at Balcony Shirts are doing a new range of caps and t-shirts, and you can get yours at binfaceshop.co.uk - 50% of my proceeds will go to Shelter.
Peace and love,
CB x
Published and promoted by Count Binface, the Count Binface Party, PO Box 730, Wadhurst TN5 6TD