Scam Pain Supernova?
The Gallagher brothers are back. Are they taking the piss?
WARNING: This post contains references to an upcoming and very exciting tour…
So here we are. Oasis being massively overhyped in the media, only to disappoint millions of their fans on release day with a load of complete bollocks? Surely not…
I’m relatively new to Planet Earth so I missed the ‘Britpop’ era, but as I understand it, the Νineties were a lot like The Sixties, if you left the Sixties out of the fridge too long, then reheated them in a microwave and scoffed them while watching TFI Friday, all washed down with a gallon of Hooch.
What I do know is that this weekend, a worryingly large proportion of Britons spent their Saturday mornings diligently clicking and nervously not refreshing their web pages to get tickets to the Live ‘25 tour, only to find out - if they ever reached the front of the queue - that for a basic standing ticket the price had been jacked up to £350.
That’s not far off the supersonic premium seats, which were listed as being on sale for a whopping £506. What do you get for shelling out over half a grand to see Oasis? Apart from being laughed at, apparently you get some merchandise, access to a pre-show party, and a pair of noise-cancelling headphones for when they play anything from after 1995.
For some people, the gigs will sound epic. For others it will sound like hell. But that’s Oasis in a nutshell.
Still, I say it’s good to have them back. After all, I’m a big fan of recycling, so if I didn’t like Oasis I’d be a hypocrite.
Some might say it’s all a cynical stunt to pay off Noel’s divorce bill. But I say the Gallagher brothers are like the new Heinz Carbonara - it’s there for those that want it, while the rest can go to the original recipe and listen to the Beatles, T-Rex, Status Quo, Mott the Hoople, the Who, the Rolling Stones, the Rutles, and every other band they cribbed their act from.
But hang on. Is there another, unspoken reason for Oasis getting back together? Could it be that they’re trying to get in on the act after seeing another massive tour in the offing? Yes, that’s right, the truth is that Noel and Liam are spooked by the imminent arrival of BINDEPENDENCE DAY, the inaugural Count Binface UK Comedy Tour, which begins very soon.
As my substack followers, you guys are my favourite fans in the galaxy (obviously), and I’d be over the moon and several planets to see you at my show across September and October, to get a weapons-grade dose of Recyclon satirical wonderment. TICKETS ON SALE HERE, and the dates are below. NB the first London date has sold out so a new gig in the Earth Capital has been announced for 3rd December, and Bristol is down to the last few tickets too. Come see me live, and make your next ticket Count!
Cardiff Glee Club - Thursday 12th September
Bath Komedia - Friday 13th September
Hull Social - Tuesday 17th September
Leeds Wardrobe - Wednesday 18th September
Glasgow Oran Mor - Thursday 19th September
Sheffield Leadmill - Tuesday 24th September
Liverpool Hot Water - Thursday 26th September
Manchester Cultplex - Sunday 29th September
Birmingham Glee Club - Wednesday 2nd October
Leicester Y Theatre - Thursday 3rd October
Cambridge Junction 2 - Sunday 6th October
Edinburgh Monkey Barrel - Wednesday 9th October
London Pleasance - Friday 11th October
Brighton Komedia - Wednesday 16th October
Croydon Fairfield Halls - Saturday 19th October
Bristol Wardrobe - Sunday 27th October
London Pleasance - Tuesday 3rd December
As for the future, I also asked my computer to predict what’s next for Oasis. It turns out that at some point in 2025 the brothers will fall out again, and will start feuding once more, until enough commercial interest has grown for them to do another reunion, with the Live ‘39 Tour. I can even give you a sneak peak at the poster…
CB x
P.S. Check out The Daily Star Sunday on 1st September for a special guest column by yours truly!