Olympic Greetings, Countbinistas!
The Greatest Show On Earth has landed once again. And by that of course I don’t mean the Olympic Games. I mean that I’ve been on the tellybox, courtesy of an invitation to be a special guest on Sky News’ Politics Hub with Sophy Ridge!
I was beamed on board the good ship Sky to take part in their series finale, and I found myself pitched against the dream team of Nick Ferrari and Dawn Butler in a fiendish general knowledge quiz. Two humans against one Binface? Good odds for any Recyclon.
And so it proved, as I thrashed my esteemed opponents 5-1, a result that hasn’t been cheered so loudly across England since Emile Heskey scored against Germany.
By the way, please don’t listen to any cynics who might choose to point out that my first question was ‘Which party won the general election?’, as if the Sky producers were going a bit easy on me and hadn’t quite realised the extent of my political acuity. Give me a chance, I’m not a presidential candidate.
Taking a moment just to appreciate the smoothness of this segue, it’s been another tumultuous week in the race for the White House. It looks like 2024 is going to be the Tale of Two Veeps. In the blue corner there’s Kamala Harris, who has ruthlessly locked down the Democratic nomination and is attempting to offer America that rare thing of a candidate who can string more than five words together.
And over in the red corner we have the truly idiotic offensive and downright malevolent comments of Donald Trump’s CHOICE of deputy, JD Vance. If you’re interested, in Recyclonese ‘Vance’ just happens to mean microscopic penis. And every day that passes, Mr Trump is wishing more and more that he could get rid of this tiny willy that’s dogging his chances of performing as well as he’d like.
If you haven’t seen it, the Vance statement which has received vitriol - and there are several contenders - is his obnoxious rant on Fox News that women who aren’t mothers are ‘childless cat ladies who are miserable in their own lives and the choices that they’ve made, so they want to make the rest of the country miserable too.’ The guy is so toxic that even Trump reportedly wants to get rid of him. Maybe he could call upon the services of ‘the late, great Hannibal Lecter’… Honestly, never in the field of intergalactic politics has so powerful a country been led by a life-form so moronic as The Donald.
I’m quite happy to stop him personally, if I’m allowed on the ballot. And given the dire straits of the United States, it’s not surprising that endorsements for my own presidential run are flooding in. Just this week I’ve been contacted by the Daily Star (again!) and now Nick Ferrari has gone and endorsed me live on Sky News. I’m a bridge across the political spectrum - Phoebe Waller will be proud.
Don’t worry, though, Countbinistas. I’m not jetting off to America just yet. (Well not unless John Oliver hands me another juicy invite.) I’ve got important business to attend to here in Blighty. For one thing, I am a huge supporter of Team GB at the Olympic Games, and I wish every athlete the best of luck, except those who think the phrase ‘whip your horse into shape’ should be taken literally. It’s almost like Jukebox Horse Dancing shouldn’t be in the Games and something sane like squash should be instead. [Makes note for next manifesto…]
And for another thing, I’ve got a number of very exciting interviews lined up for my award-winning* podcast Trash Talk. Leading the way, coming to human ears on Friday 26th July 2024 is my one-to-one chat with the greatest stand-up comedian in the omniverse, Stewart Lee! Follow the pod here and it’ll pop up in your inbox as soon as it’s released. I think you’re going to like it.
Now you might be thinking, hang on, Binface seems to be rounding up his week without mentioning the Tory leadership contest, which has seen small hitters James Cleverly and Tom Tugenhadt pit their hats in the ring. Yes, you’re right. I’m not mentioning them. They haven’t got a cat-lady in hell’s chance.
Instead, let me just give you an exclusive heads-up that I’m going to put together a video featuring my Sky News appearance, complete with some unique behind-the-scenes access, and I’ll post it here and on my usual social channels, so keep your visors open for that.
And in the meantime, if you’d like to support intergalactic politics, I’d love it if you can subscribe to this substack, and come see me on tour! All the details of my debut UK comedy tour are at countbinface.com/tour and it all kicks off in Cardiff on 12th September. Full dates below.
Till then, have an Olympic weekend, unless you’re trying to take a train to or in France, in which case you are quite possibly screwed. Well, the French did invent the word sabotage, so it shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise. And if the athletes’ village really is short of food, I know how to get hold of a job lot of cheap croissants…
Peace out,
CB x