Count Binface Invades PMQs!

My exclusive findings from a day undercover in Parliament

Hello humans!

Have I got something exciting for you? Yesterday I parked my starship, the Alboreto, over London and - wearing my own personal cloaking device - I infiltrated the hallowed halls of the Houses of Parliament, to witness a session of Prime Minister’s Questions for myself.

Keep reading to see my exclusive, astonishing findings about the crumbling Palace of Westminster and its members, including a sneaky photo that will blow your mind. It turns out that Britain’s biggest scandal goes right to the top…

The Oh-So-Special Relationship

First, though, I should pass comment on the fact that Sir Keir Starmer has been in Washington DC on his fateful visit. The British media have gone massive on this but to the rest of the planet he’s basically a political pre-dessert: a bland palate-cleanser in between the hors d’oeuvre of Macron on Monday and the rare-minerals-rich pudding of Zelensky on Friday. (The main course was probably a Supersize Big Mac Meal with full fat Coke.)

Was anyone else utterly depressed that not only did Starmer pull out the ‘State Visit’ card but it was literally his opening gambit? I bet Keir felt icky doing it, but the fact is this is the kind of thing that matters to Trump and gets through to him. Bracketing the whole visit as a prelude to a big banquet at the Palace with the King was a smart move. Either Macron didn’t think to do the same, or Buck House has more allure than the Elyseé. But it’s a rare win for Britain. If you can call it that.

Throughout his visit Sir Keir ended up avoiding immediate personal humiliation, give or take the moment in the press conference when Trump literally shut him up during one of the PM’s answers. And the bit when Trump creepily complimented the beauty of Starmer’s wife.

Still, if we scrape away the gloss of a mooted trade deal, the facts are unavoidable. For as long as Trump (or a future MAGAcolyte) is in charge at the White House, the United Kingdom is screwed.

We are living at a time when the serving US President can put out an AI video of a gaudy, garish, gold-plated Gaza theme park shorn of all Gazans, and when his appalling lap-DOGE Elon Musk can confess to accidentally cutting America’s Ebola prevention effort. Be in no doubt, the lunatics have taken over the asylum.

There is nothing Starmer can offer these narcissists that will properly mollify Trump and the MAGA bros towards the UK. Well, except possibly going beyond a State Visit and allowing Buckingham Palace to become TRUMP LONDON.

Given how fucked up the USA has become, it’s a good job Britain hasn’t recently pissed off its other major allies by leaving a giant political and economic union to help preserve peace in Europe. Oh no, wait…

The Never-Ending Tory

The Conservatives might have been out of power since July, but the revelations about how awful they were just keep on coming. This week their former Chief Whip Simon Hart released his new book, ‘Ungovernable’, in which he details the kinds of things that Tory staffers got up to during the last parliament. The list includes:

• an MP calling him at 2.45am saying he was trapped in a Bayswater brothel with 12 naked women, a CCTV camera and a KGB agent.

• a SPAD attending an orgy at Halloween where they defecated on someone’s head.

• a House employee going to a party dressed as Jimmy Savile and having sex with a blow-up doll (not consensually, we must assume, which shows him really committing to the role.)

There’s also a one-in-three chance that Kemi Badenoch is the female MP whom Hart describes in the book as ‘f***ing useless but we can’t get rid of her.’

Whenever Labour flounder over the months and years to come, as they surely will, it is always worth reminding ourselves about just how galactically shit those fourteen years of Tory government were.

And speaking of Labour floundering and galactic Tory shits, that brings me to the main event for this post…

BINFACE INVADES PMQs!

Yes, Wednesday 26 February 2025 will go down in history. My achievements on your planet before even being elected are well known: restoring Ceefax, bringing down croissant prices, beating Britain First, the list goes on. And now we can add that I have attend Prime Minister’s Question Time. What did I learn?

First of all, PM Starmer needs to wind his neck in. Not literally. Because he has one of those strangely square heads that seem to sit on his shoulders without any neck to speak of. (Novelty head shapes are one of my fortés.) But figuratively speaking, Keir needs to cool it. No, I say this because IMO the way he treated Kemi Badenoch on Wednesday was a bit shit.

Yes, she’s rubbish. (It doesn’t take a bin- faced alien to spot that.) Yes, her questions are usually crap. And yes, she’ll probably be replaced next year. But Starmer is growing increasingly complacent in the Commons and he’s letting his superiority get to his cubic head.

The other week, he got plaudits for pointing out the idiocy of Kemi’s questions, but that tactic only works if she really is being idiotic. And as crazy as it sounds, yesterday she actually had a point.

The Tory leader wanted to know if the new increase in Defence spending would be used to fund the government’s controversial Chagos Islands deal to lease back the Diego Garcia airbase from Mauritius. She asked multiple times. A backbencher followed it up. And answer came there none from the PM.

Either he’s covering up an awkward truth, or he was just being politically clumsy. But it reminded me of the leaders’ debate during the 2024 General Election, when Rishi Sunak/Now-Axed kept claiming that Labour would increase everyone’s tax bills by £2000. This figure was unequivocal bollocks but Starmer took an Ice Age to say so, and even then he did it in such a lame way, you couldn’t help but wonder what he was hiding.

This gets to the heart of why Starmer has big problems coming down the track. However well his government does over the course of its parliamentary term, they cannot avoid the fact that their leader has the charisma of a dog-poo bag hanging from a tree in a rainstorm. The British people might be overjoyed to have got rid of the Tories, but they can still think that and decide that the new PM is a bit of a prick.

Which is why, of course, I’m going to win…

AN EXCLUSIVE GLIMPSE INSIDE PARLIAMENT!

What else did I see on my visit to PMQs? Hold onto your lids…

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