ALIENS!

A radio signal's been found. And I know what it means...

Brace yourself, Earthlings. 

News stories are starting to spread. The human race could be on the brink of the most significant moment in its entire history.

Nope, I’m not talking about deciding the fate of the orange monstrosity, Donald Trump.

I’m not even talking about some very exciting new US election special episodes of my podcast Trash Talk with Count Binface, featuring guests including cartoonist Nick Newman and TV’s Richard Bacon.

No, I’m talking about the BIG one. THIS one.

Yep, that’s right. Rumours abound that within weeks, or even days, humanity will be confronted for the first time with firm scientific evidence of advanced alien life-forms hailing from another planet.

Naturally I take all these reports personally. I mean, WTAF? If you want incontrovertible evidence that deep space contains far superior intelligences than homo sapiens, just look at this:

Honestly, the bloody cheek of your scientists. For them to ignore me after my greatest year on Earth yet, it’s almost enough to make me think we’ve had enough of experts.

Almost, but not quite. I mean, what kind of idiot do you think I am? The editor of The Spectator?

Still, the alien signal, codenamed ‘BLC-1’, which is located in the region of Proxima Centauri, approximately 4.2 light years away from Earth, is real alright. And I thought it was important that I got in ahead of the big announcement to give you an exclusive insight into this incredible discovery.

Why? Because I know that the signal is a message.

More important than that, I know what it means.

Why? Because I sent it. 

Yep. That’s right. It’s a Recyclon broadcast, diverted from my home world of Sigma IX via a satellite in orbit around Proxima, your next-nearest star. I calculated that by sending the transmission over a five-year period, there’d be a decent chance that even human astronomers might spot it eventually. And so it has proved. 

The first time you guys spotted my signal was back in December 2020. Take this article published in the Guardian:

By October 2021, humans were feeling pretty cocky about debunking it, as merely ‘an extreme example of local interference’, as you can see from this article on Space.com…

But now, belatedly, in late 2024 the truth is coming out. I knew you’d get there in the end. And just in the nick of time too.

So what does the message say? 

Are you sure you want to know? After all, some scientists are feeling nervous.

I’m not surprised that some humans are worried. For starters, its existence proves that I’m way more sophisticated than any Earth politician, by several billion orders of magnitude. But come on, you knew that.

Some human speculators are further concerned that the message might prove that all life on Earth is in fact nothing more than an experiment conducted by aliens, a discovery that would give billions of humans the mother of all crises of confidence.

Don’t worry. That’s not what BLC-1 is saying.

But what is it saying?

OK. I’ll tell you.

It is a narrow-band signal, decipherable by all semi-cogent advanced civilisations, which in English roughly translates as follows:

#######..F.o.r..f.u.c.k.’s..s.a.k.e..p.u.t..T.r.u.m.p..i.n..j.a.i.l..#######

Voila! All Earth’s scientists need to do is to pull an Alan Turing and crack my code before Tuesday, and you’ll have the clearest message on behalf of the entire omniverse about how to save your planet from obliteration. (Well, until the asteroid comes, but we can save that for another day.)

Still, knowing you lot, even if you decode it, plenty of journalists and a legion of online shitclowns will spin it into a pro-Trump weapon.

Just don’t say I didn’t try.

Peace and galactic love,

CB x