Hello Countbinistas!
It’s been one of those summer weeks. Look in one direction and you might think it’s been a classic August quiet one - post-Olympics, pre-Premier League - filled with the fading echoes of last week’s riots which didn’t happen, after the previous weekend’s riots which did happen.
I love it when a big story like that - or, say, a predicted hurricane that turns out to be a mild breeze - ends up being overblown. Or underblown, in the case of a missing hurricane. In either case, at those moments certain sections of the media can’t hide their disappointment. After all, it means more pages left to fill.
For the new government, the dipshits’ disorder dribbling away will have come as a huge relief. Even so, Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer still cancelled his planned family break to Europe ‘to ensure that we can respond to the disorder’ (translation: to ensure that the tabloids don’t snap me on a sun-lounger while another branch of Greggs is smashed in). I mean, who’d be stupid enough to do that and show themselves for the venal, amoral, grifting, carefree shitbag that they are? Here’s looking at you, Tommy.
As for Keir, I reckon the vast majority of humans didn’t notice that he’d decided to bin his vacation and stay in the UK, and I bet that’s really pissed him off. Quite funny, really. I hope his family got away, though. It’s not their problem.
So that’s the latest at Westminster. It’s a case of what hasn’t happened, rather than what has. But look in another direction and there’s plenty going on. Just ask Taylor Swift, who took to the stage at Wembley Stadium last night wearing a t-shirt literally saying, ‘There’s a lot going on at the moment.’
That’s certainly true for Taylor, after her trio of Vienna shows were cancelled due to an alleged terror plot. And it’s true on a galactic level too. Look up at the night sky this week and you might have been lucky enough to see a shooting star, courtesy of the Perseid meteor shower.
These little dudes give you an astronomical fireworks show at this time every year. If humans were smarter, they might also realise these bits of space rock are the hors d’oeuvre before the mahoosive asteroid, which is zipping through the heavens on its way to give Earth a big smack in the kisser.
After that gets here, there won’t be a lot going on. And tbh there won’t be many souvenir t-shirts either.
But there has been one major new story unfolding across Earth this week, and it involves neither Taylor, nor Trump, nor Keir. It’s a subject extremely close to my central fluid pumping organ, because it involves competitive breakdancing and a Raygun. Whenever those two bits of the Venn Diagram intersect, on any planet, I am here for it.
I’m sure you’re aware of this already - it’s become a meme across the entire Sigma Quadrant - but I am of course referring to Australian university lecturer Rachel Gunn, aka Olympic ‘breaking’ megastar RAYGUN, whose performing skillz may not have won her a medal but they have earned her galactic fame. Or infamy, depending on where you stand. (I hope you stand like this…)
On your planet it seems that nothing is sacred. No sooner had her dancing inspired a million-plus viral responses and cheered up a billion-plus humans than the evil, pernicious side of the internet had to start injecting poison into the story.
Up sprouted conspiracy theories suggesting that Raygun was part of a social experiment, and an online petition claiming that she’d rigged the selection process. (This has since been taken down off the web).
Raygun has even felt the need to post an emotional online video reacting to the backlash.
To all the haters out there, WTAF is wrong with you?
Firstly, until incontrovertible evidence proves otherwise, I say we should respect Raygun. (You should always respect a ray gun, trust me.) I believe her, and I don’t think this is a story about somebody spinning their way into the Olympics. You only have to watch her dance to know that spinning isn’t her strong suit.
More importantly, I think it’s incumbent on me as a spokesalien for underdog candidates to say this: Raygun is amazing. She’s a planetary treasure, full stop. If my political adventures prove anything, it’s that real victory isn’t about finishing ‘first’. It’s about so much more than that.
Sure, Theresa May, Boris Johnson, Steve Tuckwell and Rishi Sunak might have beaten me ‘numerically’ at the ballot box, but where are they now? EXACTLY. All cast into the dustbin of history. Whereas I am the dustbin of history.
And the same is true of Raygun. If you’re telling me there’s no place in the Olympic Games for her, or Eddie The Eagle, or Eric The Eel, or Trevor The Tortoise (I haven’t made any of these up), then I say there’s no place for the Olympic Games.
There’s not a single ‘qualified’ Australian breakdancer who could have brightened the omniverse with the same creativity and wonderment as Raygun, and if anyone thinks this needs castigating instead of celebrating, then I’ll gladly introduce them to a ray gun of my own.
And here’s the thing. Raygun’s fame might not last long. It may not even outlast a lettuce. But whatever the future holds, she has used her special skills for good, lighting up human hearts, just as any raygun should. That’s what people should hold onto. And that joy should last forever. (Or at least until the asteroid arrives.)
Compare what Raygun did in two minutes with what Liz Truss wreaked in 49 days. Nuff said.
And that’s an appropriately serious note on which to end this post. Because this was the week that a banner appeared above Ms Truss during a public event, proclaiming that she crashed the economy and reminding her of the lettuce. The Clustertruss stormed off and went online to rant that it ‘wasn’t funny’. In which case we’d better not remind ourselves of it…
Peace and galactic love,
CB x
His coconut gun can fire in spurts. If he shoots you, it's GONNA HURT!!!
Trevor the Tortoise had to switch events at the last minute and Eddie the Eagle and Eric the Eel were genuinely their nation’s best. It’s difficult to be a great ski jumper if you grow up in England. There’s no reason Australia had to enter such a poor competitor so Raygun is really not in their league - however amusing for everyone not Australian.