A Phone-y War

A new phone-pas needs a new Binface remedy...

What a week it’s been, humans!

…The Labour government has reached the 100-day landmark. (Read it and weep, Truss.)

…The Tory leadership election descended into farce when they confused themselves into picking the wrong final candidates, and the phrase ‘Cleverly Campaign’ became an oxymoron for the ages.

…I performed my Bindependence Day tour show to packed houses in Edinburgh and London. (Next week it’s Brighton and Croydon. Tickets here.)

…My upcoming new podcast episode, featuring guest Mitch Benn, contains the launch of my exciting campaign to be this year’s Christmas Number One. More on this soon!

AND a new front has opened up in one of my biggest Earthly battles.

An almighty Phone-Pas

Amongst the trailblazing policies in my manifesto, one that has been making great waves is my pledge that ALL SPEAKERPHONES MUST BE BANNED ON PUBLIC TRANSPORT. To this end, in my tour show I have been canvassing the views of delegates on what is the optimum punishment for the scumbags who do this.

But here and now is the time for me to go further.

Why? Because as I bet you’ve encountered, the phenomenon of anti-social phone use is by no means restricted to buses, trams and trains. No siree. An equally egregious transgression is occurring in British cinemas and theatres: right now, as you’re reading this, you can be sure that at least one shitstain of a human is ruining a film or a play for other people by getting their phone out during a performance.

Given how much it costs for an evening out in the UK these days, anyone who suffers this telephonic outrage has a right to be apoplectic with rage. And yet to ask the culprit to stop their misdemeanour is to risk making things worse. Because some British citizens have concluded that it’s their right to be a 24-carat c**t in public.

Until recently, all I have had to go on to reach this conclusion is a catalogue of testimonies from poor victims of this horrific activity. But now, dear Countbinistas, we have objective proof that things have gone beyond the pale.

It comes courtesy of a new advert for Lotto, aka the National Lottery, in which a woman discovers she’s a millionaire by looking at a text on her phone IN A CINEMA SCREENING:

Lotto: ‘Will You Be Next?’ campaign

To normalise this evil behaviour by portraying it in an advert is bad enough. To suggest that someone who acts so appallingly deserves to become a millionaire really rubs salt in the wound.

The whole thing forces me to contemplate whether humans truly are living in the last days of Sodom.

Naturally, it also makes me consider an appropriate policy to root out this pernicious social crime once and for all. And I am delighted to share with you a new solution which I have been workshopping:

• Ceilings in theatres and cinemas to be fitted with downward-pointing spikes.

• All ticketed positions in theatres and cinemas to be fitted with ejector seats.

Whenever someone gets out their phone in one of these venues, the ejector function will be automatically activated. And on the off-chance the newly deceased should have just had a lucky windfall, any Lotto winnings (and the phone) will be donated to Shelter.

As for all humans involved in the making of this new Lotto advert, I will implement an even more terrifying punishment: they must live with Matt Hancock for a year.

Case solved. Vote Binface!

CB x