Hello humans!
Today is an amazing day. Get out the red carpet. It’s official. I am not alone!
29th September 2024 sees a brand new intergalactic visitor reach Earth. Who is this exciting traveller? It’s an asteroid called 2024 PT5 (or Petey, as I call it), which is the size of a double-decker bus and which has just entered your planet’s orbit.
As you go about your Sunday business, Petey is beginning to zoom around the globe, and it’s going to keep circling for the next 57 days before it finally swings back into the wider cosmos.
As a result, Petey is being dubbed a ‘mini-moon’, and it’s very cool. Literally. It’s bloody freezing.
If you’re worried about the asteroid’s proximity to Earth, I can reassure you that it is definitely not going to collide with your planet. (This time.) Which is good news, because if a bus-sized asteroid did land in, say, the City of London, it would do approximately $25 billion-worth of damage to the United Kingdom.
Intriguingly, as devastating as it sounds, this means that the mini-moon would cause less destruction than the mini-Budget did.
And on the subject of non-sentient lumps of worthless material, the Tory Party Conference just happens to be starting today as well.
But who cares about that? Not even most Tories.
Instead, I want to wake you humans up to an incredible gift that 2024 PT5 is offering you. This is a genuine scientific and business opportunity which, if you seize it, could change all life on Earth as you know it.
We often hear about space-curious billionaires like Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos being fascinated by space travel and the chance to explore the galaxy. Well, hey presto, here on your astronomical doorstep comes an asteroid the size of a bus.
And my supposition is this. Why don’t humans treat it like a bus? Instead of building giant, expensive rockets to reach Mars, Musk and Bezos could simply fly up to the asteroid sometime in the next two months, land on that, and when it leaves Earth’s orbit at the end of November, the super-rich twats will get a free trip to the stars.
What’s more, with all their billions of dollars, Musk and Bezos could easily engineer some little thruster rockets to attach to Petey’s surface, allowing them to alter its course, to take them wherever they want to go.
For the good of humanity, I would even suggest that world governments stump up the fee to get them up there. The cost-to-benefit ratio is off the charts.
Galactic best wishes,
CB x
P.S. If you’re in Manchester, Birmingham, Leicester, Cambridge or Edinburgh, you’re in luck! These are the next stops in my smash-hit Bindependence Day Tour! Tickets are going fast and are on sale here.
P.P.S. I’m so grateful to you for reading my burgeoning Substack. To add your own thruster rockets, you can support me with a premium subscription here.