Cash for Croissants?
The new government is charging too much. The last one hasn't paid nearly enough.
Another week, another chapter in the ongoing crisis that is…
Croissantgate
The Sun newspaper, named after the celestial object at which its proprietor deserves to be fired, led with this headline on Friday:
You know as well as I do that as long as they’re charging £1.10 per croissant, there’s nothing to see here. But disgracefully, that’s not what the new government is up to. Apparently, this is Labour’s price list:
a photo with the Business Secretary - £15,000
choose who gets invited to a breakfast with ‘distinct benefits’ - £30,000
For starters (and there is no finer starter than a croissant), I should point out that on my Bindependence Day tour, a photo with me is FREE. Not £15k. Does that mean Labour are taking the piss? Or am I hopelessly naive? Possibly both.
However you look it, though, the new fledgling administration looks suspiciously like being a bunch of money-grabbing bastards, just less appallingly than the Tories were. (It’s only been a few months, so maybe they’re just warming up.)
Once again, Labour’s reaction to being caught out is arguably as cringe-worthy as the original offence. Just as Keir Starmer failed to douse the flames of the freebie scandal by belatedly paying back six grand in gifts, it’s been reported that Business Secretary Jonathan Reynolds was ‘completely unaware’ of the breakfasts. That’s a patently mad statement for any government to be forced to make.
Even more pathetic than this, news reports on Friday have relayed the strongest Cabinet reaction so far to Croissantgate: Energy Secretary Ed Miliband has come out and said ‘Don’t do it again’. If any other news story this century conjures the image of a powerless supply teacher better than this image, I’d like to see it.
Remember, voters, if all croissants were price-capped at £1.10, none of this would have happened.
Choose sanity. Choose Binface.
March of the Maniacs: Part One - In Liz She Trussts
The good news for the Labour Party is that no matter how depressingly crap they seem to be, they are still light years better than the galactic shitshow of the last 14 years. And popping up to remind us all of that fact this week were two of the last three Prime Ministers. Both of whom claimed they’d have done better than Rishi in the election. (They’re both wrong.)
First came the swivel-eyed witch queen of Tufton Street, Liz Truss, who took to the stage at the Tory Party conference to declare - I kid you not - that she was right all along, we just didn’t allow her to stay in office long enough for the ENTIRE nation to catch fire and burn to a crisp.
The natural response when she appears in public life, apart from simply ‘WTAF?’, is sheer exasperation. And in the wake of her latest rabid foamings, the most telling quote was this:
‘It’s one thing to have messed up in the way she did. The other thing was never to acknowledge, never to apologise for what she’s done.’
Who said that? Keir Starmer? Ed ‘Aquaman’ Davey? Nope. It was arch Conservative commentator Tim Montgomerie. Because even die-hard Tories are sick to the rear dentures of Liz popping up, talking bollocks and reminding them of the most embarrassing and ignominious chapter in their long history (which is not an easy chart to top).
But Tim didn’t stop there either. He even told BBC Newsnight:
‘I wouldn’t have her at this conference. I wouldn’t issue her with a pass. She has done so much damage to this party.’
We non-Tories feel your pain, Tim. All £30 billion-worth of pain.
It’s a fair assumption that Mr Montgomerie’s view is reflective of hordes of Conservative voters. So this begs the question: who actually benefits from the blonde maniac opening her deluded mouth? Is it the cause she professes to espouse, or is it her enemies?
As an alien, I have the rare privilege of an objective view on human affairs. And the obvious thing to suggest is that for the good of humanity it would be highly advantageous if Liz left politics once and for all and did something more befitting her talents. An astrology column, perchance.
But the current state of democracy on your planet is so fragile that we defenders of sanity need to up our game and start playing 4D chess. As each day passes, humans are becoming more and more susceptible to conspiracy theories. You only need dip into the excellent journalism of Marianna Spring or Gabriel Gatehouse to get a taste of that.
So in that context, to have living proof in human form that libertarian politics an epic bin fire is a gift. So I am prepared to change my mind and allow Truss to maintain a place in public life. However, surely, to reflect her stature I suggest that any appearance she makes is accompanied by a laughter track. That should do it.
March of the Maniacs: Part Two - A Liar’s Autobiography
A Liar’s Autobiography was the title given by the brilliant human Graham Chapman to his memoir. But it would be an appropriate name for the hideous new memoir by Britain’s worst ever Prime Minister, Boris Johnson. Yep, he’s worse than Truss. Let that soak in. He was that bad.
Knowing Boris’ work ethic, and the fact that his Shakespeare book is already eight years late, I think we can fairly assume that he rushed out these 700 pages of bullshit in hyper-fast time, as just his latest essay crisis. And as a result, the book does at least contain the tiniest vestige of veracity. Because it’s blatantly obvious in every sentence just what an appalling, trivial, narcissistic blight on British society he has been for the last forty years.
I don’t want to shine a light on this malevolent shitclown for any longer than necessary. But we can at least summarise some of the claims he makes in the book:
He wishes he hadn’t apologised for Partygate
He considered invading a NATO ally
He admits Brexit left the EU in a far stronger place than the UK
He blames David Cameron for quitting as PM instead of clearing up Boris’s mess
He hides his lies behind verbose language, like a lovechild of Donald Trump and Russell Brand
He didn’t read his ministerial briefings and he thinks this is hilarious
He breaks confidentiality to make money out of the Queen having cancer
He got a blowjob in a toilet from Baroness Charlotte Owen*
*OK I made that one up.
And so it goes on. At least we don’t have to endure the toxic spectacle of watching him puff up his ‘legacy’ in a softly-softly BBC interview with Laura Kuenssberg. If only the Titanic had hit a Kuenssberg instead of an iceberg, it would have just bounced off and humans would never have had to endure My Heart Will Go On.
Poor old Laura, sending her briefing notes ‘by mistake’ to Boris instead of to her own team. Such an easy thing [for a sycophantic client journalist] to do.
I don’t condone the burning of any book, but given the difficulties in heating homes this coming winter, I’m almost prepared to make an exception in the case of Boris’s memoir. Especially as every single copy has the wrong title. He’s called it Unleashed but that’s ludicrous. As if he’s ever been on a leash.
I will allow the book to continue to exist so long as future editions correct this mistake. I can think of several more appropriate names. Unhinged… Unmissed… both of those crossed my mind. And then I realised. Of course. It has to be this.
Till next time!
CB x
P.S. My Bindependence Day tour continues this week, with dates in Cambridge on Sunday 6th October and Edinburgh on Wednesday 9th October. Still tickets available for almost all shows HERE. London on Friday 11th October and Bristol on 27th October are already sold out!
Future dates:
Wednesday 16th October - Brighton, Komedia
Saturday 19th October - Croydon, Fairfield Halls
Tuesday 3rd December - London, Pleasance