Greetings humans,
I hope you’re having a wonderful week, and that you haven’t been publicly reminded (again) that you crashed the British economy and that you have less political credibility than a lettuce.
I notice that the campaigning group Led By Donkeys has had a small but noticeable bit of blowback after their latest stunt, which took the piss out of the dear old Clustertruss for her ill-starred five minute premiership. Was it a fair prank? Fortunately there’s an easy litmus test to check. As a citizen of planet Earth, dear reader, do you think you’ve had £65 billion-worth of joy at Liz’s expense? Of course not. Until that magic figure is reached, she’s fair game for pillory. Knock yourselves out. ‘Cos lettuce jokes are funny.
That £65 billion benchmark is going straight into my next manifesto, but this is not the new policy that I refer to in the headline. No, I’ve got something else shiny up my space sleeve that I’m excited to announce.
Before that, a quick update on a crucial pre-existing economic battlefield, which is of course the price of croissants.
First, it has not escaped my visor that a second Sesame Street character has been posting online comments about the wonders of croissants. First there was Cookie Monster. Now, there’s bloody Elmo! (I say ‘bloody’ merely as a mild expletive, not as an implicit suggestion that this explains the bright red colour of his fur. Honest.)
The thing is, I’ve taken Elmo on in electoral combat. Twice. He was on the ballot when I challenged Theresa May in 2017, and then again in 2019 when I took on the blond bumshell, Boris Johnson. And on both occasions I gave the muppet (that’s Elmo, for clarity) a galactic walloping.
So what’s he up to? Is this piercing, primordial, pre-school plush trying to muscle in on my ingenious croissant policy? And is Cookie Monster acting as a new political Svengali to Elmo? A slightly less mad-looking Dominic Cummings?
Well, it won’t work. The British public have seen more than enough of wild, eccentric, strangely-coloured celebrities to know that they make appalling political leaders.
Even so, as a consummate master of the electoral arts, I need to stay agile. Which is why I have cooked up my eye-catching new commitment.
BUT…. I’m still going to keep you waiting a tiny bit longer for that. Because there’s been another astonishing and outrageous development in the pastry world, which it is my duty to bring to wider attention.
Many British readers will be aware of the upmarket café chain Gail’s Bakery. They hit the headlines during the General Election when it emerged that Liberal Democrat campaigners actively sought out areas with a Gail’s for their canvassing, calculating (correctly) that this would be an accurate signpost of amenable voters.
Well, the latest development at Gail’s is about as far from a cuddly Lib Dem policy as you can get. Take a look at what they’re now offering, as discovered by Twitter user LucyP:
That’s right. £4.60 for an unsold, day-old pain au chocolat that they’ve chucked a few nuts on top of. Who the fuckity-flip do they think they’re kidding here? Liz Truss?
I can’t let this monstrous activity go unchecked. So I have written directly to Gail’s and demanded the following:
Dear Gail’s Bakery,
On behalf of Planet Earth, Planet Sigma IX and the omniverse, this atrocity will not stand. £4.60 for an unsold pain au chocolat with a few nuts on top? Come on. Reduce your price to £1.10 immediately. Or get ready for a mass boycott. That’s what I call PAIN!
Let’s see if that moves the minds of the Gargails who made this ghastly offering. And if not, I say that all unsold pastries at the end of each day could and should be donated to homeless shelters. Stay tuned, Countbinistas. A new front in the Croissant War is open!
And now, onto my biggest news of the day.
Drum roll please…
Humans, we have a new enemy. An enemy even bigger than Gail’s. I've been keeping tabs on this for a while but the time has come to fight.
In my policy cross-hairs is almost every café in the United Kingdom. You’ve already felt the force of my croissant strategy. Now I am upping the ante, and taking up metaphorical arms against an even greater crime…
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